I...

I feel as though I am on the edge of a drop on a steep roller coaster... just waiting, holding my breath to feel my stomach up in my throat. I am alternating between feelings of complete and utter fright & total exhileration. A fresh start. A complete new slate. My life begins from scratch again.eep!

So I am l...

So I am leaving this city. Jacksonville has become an empty shell of a town, having nothing more to offer me by way of enrichment or opportunity. I have to leave before it swallows me whole.Im feeling a little bit like it's a total cop out- run, run, run as fast I can. Either way, 2 weeks from now I won't be here. I had my first feelings of remorse over having my boobs done. The sad thing is, I think it's only because I hold my surgery responsible for gaining this fucking weight. I feel like If I even so much as LOOK at a cookie I gain 5 lbs. I also can't deny that my eating habits before the surgery have completely fucked my metabolism. Lorraine gave me a picture from just before my surgery... Jessica & I both gasped when we saw it. Jessica, Ben and I sitting on the couch.. my hair is fucked up, My eyes are closed.. I think it was Labor Day. I had just left a BBQ. My arm is insanely thin. Like, sickly. My collar bones are jutting out, look like they want to pop through my skin. I have an Adams apple..And as shocked as I am by this sight... I miss it. How did I let myself get to this point??Why do I feel like my life would be perfect if only, Oh god IF ONLY, I could sleep for a month and wake up 105 lbs. again. But Im not foolish enough to believe that, I know how unhappy I was, how hungry I was, how tired I was. How SAD I was. I thought that if I could lose just those last deperate 2 pounds... Joe would notice. He would stop taking the rumble in my stomach as more than just a coincidence night after night. He would pull his head out of his self consumed ass & relaize that something was wrong with his girlfriend. How stupid of me. It never ended with just those last 2 lbs. Then it became 3... then 7...then 10. And then Kym became a bony fragment of what she once was.So I celebrated my defeat with a bottle of wine, an entire box of wheat thins, a whole wedge of brie cheese and a Reese's Penaut Butter cup Blizzard.... and that was just my dinner.This must stop. Im exhausted.

Hell...

Hello Livejournal. Long time no talk. No big news, just a few things...I am so boy crazy right now. Good god, I am a dog in heat! and for me it seems like when it rains, it pours. And right now, Im in a heavily precipitating area! And just in the nick of time, too-- this desert was beggining to dry out. lol.Theres Andy, the boy I approached (my new tactic) at Lynch's. Absolutly drop dead fucking gorgeous, but hardly has 2 brain cells in his whole gorgeous skull to rub together. My gay boys last night couldn't believe A) how gorgeous he was and B)What a moron he was. He showed up at Twisted Sister last night, knowing I would be there-- and I purposely didn't invite him b/c Im interested in the bartender there. Stalking isn't becoming. Then John. *le sigh* Oh, John... how babelicious are you? Let me count the ways...We met in the dorms freshman year of college. I had the biggest crush on him, but he had a dweeby but sweet little girlfriend. I am many things, but Im no Angelina Jolie! So we found each other on MySPace (yes, im addicted!) 3 years later and I hung out with him 2 nights ago. We had a sweet lil kiss. wonderful! I had no tab last night, my payment is a date with him, he informed me. :) I obliged.Brooke, the scruffy, cocky bartender at my favorite Monday night martini bar. We've been exchanging vibes for a while now, but I think every girl from Atlantic Beach to Ponte Vedra could say the same thing. lol. He gave me his number over a week ago, wants to go to Casa Marina some night together. I havn't called-- like Josh so cleverly put it "At least you wouldn't wonder if he's going to call the next day".Anyway... one of my neighbors is this Travis Barker wannabe- full sleeves, huge chest pieces. Scrawny, shirtless, black mohawk having little guy who lives with his equally punky little girlfriend. I noticed he has a confederate flag hanging out the window of his muscle car. Im not totally informed what a confederate flag symbolizes for people these days- but it still skeeves me out for what it was. Then today I notice a black cross nailed upside down on their front door. wtf?? Im so irritated by them for some reason!My cat ran away & I don't care. I know- Im a bad person. She kept shitting on my carpet & crying to go outside- which is odd because she's such a skeevy little sketchball. So I tossed her ass outside when I found a steamy fresh pile directly next to the pile I was about to clean up. So, she hasn;t come back. I think she may have known she was going to die & wanted to go outside to find a quiet place-- she was 14 years old and ready to keel over anyway.Other than that, life is good, Im taching myself how to cook Tofu- its so yummy.Off to work!

So, I...

So, I have been cheating so bad sice ending my cleanse. I am supposed to ease my way back into solid foods- first with OJ then with light veggie soup w/ lots of broth. Well, I ate a banana & tons of veggies yesterday and today another banana, almonds, yogurt and I just stuffed myself sick with soup. I puked. I dont know what my problem is- this is what prompted my decision to do the cleanse. I have such a fucked up food mindset. Toward the end of the night all I could think about was getting home to eat this soup. I raced home, showered quickly and was almost ANXIOUS feeling until I finally sat down and took my first bite.This is how I put on that weight in the past 2 months. FUCK. I ate 2 HUGE bowls of soup, the second topped with cheddar cheese, then ate probably another whole bowl while standing over the pot. Its almost like compulsive binging. My stomach is bloated now and I feel like I can't breathe. And I know exactly how this makes me feel in the morning... full, sluggish & dissapointed. I just refrained from eating a morsel for 7 days-- how can I not have better self control??:(

Update :)

Today was Day 8 and I decided to start on my OJ- which is what you comsume the day of breaking the cleanse. I dont know what it was- I took a 3 mile walk on the beach first thing this morning (with the intention of going to Day 10) and my body told me it was ready to be done with the cleanse. I am ready to get to the gym, eat lots of fresh veggies and join the real world again :) I had been so low on energy b/c of comsuming less than 600 calories a day, I was struggling some days to make it through work (Im a server at a very busy restaurant in Ponta Vedra).Would I do it again? Absolutely. I have never had so many compliments on my skin- it has totally smoothed my complection, the bags under my eyes are 1/2 the size. Also, my sleeping pattern has completely changed. I used to either toss & turn all night or sleep 12 hours. My body wakes up 7 hours on the dot- no joke. Ive been going to bed at about 2am every night and my eyes POP open at 9am. No grogginess, no rolling around for another 20 minutes. AWAKE.My house has never been cleaner! lol. I feel a better energy flow in my body- I know that sounds like such spiritual mumbo-jumbo, but it's great!I went shopping today and bought celery, tomatoes, onion, bananas, zucchini, bell peppers, squash, egg whites(a girls best friend), organic salsa, raw almonds, old fashioned oatmeal, broccoli, eggplant, Veggie Burgers, tofu & tofu crumbles. I am so ready for this :) Oh, and I bought a crock pot. I found tons of yummy, high protein recipes for the crock pot- which I think will be very convienant for cooking for 1 person.I've decided that instead of cutting back on my calories severly (how I got down to 108 lbs.)Im going to concentrate on being healthy. Lots of cardio, protein and fiber. Treat my body right. I may never fit into my size 0 Lucky Jeans ever again but I know I will be much happier & healthier for it. I have a nasty binging habit- which is how I put on 20 lbs.My plan: -NO fried foods. -Eliminate almost all red meats/poultry -Begin buying fresh fish, cooking enough to eat 2-4x per week over spinach salad -Snacks ideas for work: Fat-free yogurt w/ high fiber cereal and berries, handful of almonds, apples, can of tuna fish, raw broc/cauliflower with Fat Free ranch.. - Some source of cardio daily-- gym, ride bike, walk the beach -Drink 2 Liters of H2O daily and a cup of tea nightly. -Vitamins Daily -Listen to my stomach, no impulse shoveling into my face! -Cutting back on alcohol consumption. This is a big one. I am going to drink AT MOST 3 nights a week- having no more than a glass of wine after work and no more than 2 martinis on nights out. OK.. maybe 3 martinis :P. Love me a 'tini! -Also cutting back on coffee. Ouch. I LOVE Starbucks, but I honestly cant afford it- my wallet OR my ass.Yay for new begginings!

Like an Ox ..!

Day 3.. Staying Strong :)Rode my bike a couple miles, feeling great! Not weak or dizzy like the first couple of days. Chugged down my Salt Water Flush this morning, didn't produce anything too exciting :/ Im getting somewhat paranoid that Im not doing something right, but Curezone has a wonderful forum where Ive been getting answers to all of my questions. I think Im going to reduce the ammount of salt in the mixture and consciously drink more water throughout the day. I havn't lost any weight either, which means my body is dehydrated and holding on to all of the SWF.. and salt= bloating!Kind of anxious about tommorow- I work a double. I plan on waking at 9, chuggin my SWF, then having 50 minutes to let it take its course. After that, I will alternate the SWF and the senna tea in the mornings.I also need to work on doing more activity to help the toxins get out. Ride my bike, walk on the beach, do the stair climber at the gym.. something. I bought a pilates tape, dont know what got inot me! Ive never even done pilates before, lol.I know it's only been 3 days, but good god... I can't believe Iv'e made it this far. It feels like FOREVER since Ive eaten or will be able to eat! Off to see Pirates of the Carribean. Another popcorn temptation... I will resist!XOXO.

D...

Day 2 :)Woke up this morning starving! So damn hungry- Im finishing up my Salt Water Flush (SWF) right now, about to lay out for a while. I love salt so this is somewhat yummy. I have the day off, not sure If it's going to help or hurt. Going to see The Devil Wears Prada tonight with Jess- must be strong.. no popcorn!!>=OOther than that, all is well :)

Day...

Day 1 is over. Whew!I drank 6 glasses of the lemonade, which is the minimum ammount. Drank the senna tea tonight and a liter of water. I feel like Im going to float away :/I got pretty hungry there for a little while, really had to focus on other things- polished my ass off at work, doodled... I didn't even smoke a single ciggarette- huge!I realized how much I nibble at work... I had to stop myself from shoving random things in my mouth just out of pure boredom. I am so determined to do this though!Bought a scale today- I weigh 125 lbs.

Well, ...

Well, today is officially Day 1.. woo! Im sipping on my first cocktail. Its really not too bad. I taste the maple syrup- I had the brilliant idea of eating my oatmeal with this syrup the past couple days... Im going to gag at the thought of maple syrup after this cleanse!I need to be strong- I have the next 2 days off. NO popcorn at the movie theater! Im going to buy a juicer & scale right now. I am so ready for this.

...

So, after waiting for cleansing package of goodness for 3 days now, I went on-line and saw that it hasn't been drafted from my account and I couldn't find the damn website. SO, maybe I dreamt of ordering it. Either way, I went to a different Whole Foods store and they had the syrup I needed! Yay! So, I bought 2 little jars and I will go online to buy the little booklet. Very excited. Im going to Ocean 60 tonight, one of my favorite martini bars on the beach. There is a hot bartender that Ive been kind of exchanging vibes with for a while and he never charges me for anything. He's been coming into Andiamo, asking where Ive been on Mondays. And hopefully this guy Zach will show- a friend of Gianni's.. 26, drives a Porshe, not the most humble- but Ive never been in a Porshe before :P He's asked for my number before and says he wants to go out with me sometime, but my own insecurity has prevented it from happening and Im actually pretty doubtful that he'll come to the bar tonight.Ive tried on my entire wardrobe for tonight- and I can't fit into a single pair of pants- not even slightly. So, Im going to wear a little dress... empire waisted of course, hide my little belly. Tomm. is 4th of July, Im having a little shin-dig over here, BBQ, keg and some friends. Then were gonna hop on our bikes & skateboards and caravan over to a couple other parties. The beach is insane on the 4th- you can't even drive there are so many bikes on the road.Oh, and ... I have cellulite. Not a little, either.Bring on the cleanse!

Its Sun...

Its Sunday, July 2nd. I havn't recieved my package yet. But I have the 4th and 5th off and work at 3pm on the 6th. SO, Im thinking that I will take my first doese of senna tea the night of the 5th. My first OFFICIAL day will be the 6th.On another note, Aric & Josh won't stop pinching my stomach or rubbing my belly and asking "when it's due?" A friend of ours that I see occasionally asked someone if Ive gained weight. I tried on ever pair of work pants I own-- and not one will fit. may I mention that most of these pants havn't been touched in months because they were so big they looked sloppy.:(Fuck.

Litt...

Little update, I suppose :)Havn't gotten my stuff in the mail yet, but I have been eating like there is no friggin' tommorow! It's like Im on death row and every meal is my last. Im wondering if Im going to regret this extravagant eating once I start "detoxing":/Im looking forward to this. I popped another damn button on a pair of pants today. Today it was on my work pants, my first was on my new $150 Lucky jeans. Fuck. I have huge bags underneath each of my ass cheeks and I swear my my tighs have doubled in size-- Ive been eating myself sick the past 3 months.Blah-- even more incentive for this cleanse!

Here we go!

Wow! Its been FOREVER!!It is Friday June 29th. Ive kind of neglected the hell out of this journal. Nobody really reads this journal so I never update. But this journal is now going to be used for a new purpose- after much debate in my little noggin Ive decided to do a cleansing, The Master Cleanse...Ive gained about 15 lbs. in the past couple of months, feel the most sluggish, tired and generally down in a long time. I have horrible insomnia one night and then sleep 20 hours the next. I keep telling myself Im going to eat healthy starting Monday, go to the gym religiously on the 1st of the new month, ride my bike tommorow, walk on the beach every morning, yadda, yadda... but I just... don't. I feel like I need something huge-- some kind of enormous starting point to really get me ready.Ive heard of this Master Cleanse in passing convesations here & there. How it's the new IT diet in L.A. or some hippy folk talking at a table Im serving. Most people lose 10-20 lbs.and gain back about 1/2 after the liquid diet portion is over. Im most nervous about the fact that I work alot- and laying laxative induced cable at the workplace is a huge phobia of mine! Altho what in the hell do I care- I'll be that stinky ass Kym server for 9 months. I wish there were someone here to do this with me, but seeing as alcohol isn't permitted I think that pretty much disqualifies all of my alcoholic friends and co-workers. Which brings up a huge concern for me- what will I ever do after work in place of my nightly glass of unwind-me-wine?! Not to mention the delicious post-work cig that accompanies that wine so well..?! ACK! So, Livejournal.. it's just you & me for a while. And for those of you that are reading this.. it may be brutal! Iv'e read some peoples personal journals while they're doing the cleanse and it certaintly gives meaning to the "cleansing" part of it. Yuck!So, I ordered the book and the maple syrup today- I figure I'll start after the 4th. That will be my last day of heavy drinking and I can eat the rest of the little bit of food in my house in the next couple days so it won't be a temptation during the fast. Until then- I have 5 days to eat like a little piglet :)Ive already polished off a Venti Iced coffee and bluberry muffin from Starbucks and a box of basil pasta ..woo-hoo!

Oh, I cant wait...

Oh, I cant wait for these nwxt couple of days! Tommorow, Super Bowl Sunday- Brunch with danishes, eggs, mimosas. Lunch- Ahi tuna salads, chicken, ribs. Dinner- chicken wings, prime rib, all kinds of goodness. Oh, yes, and the Pittsburg Steelers!I really have *nothing* to say here- excapt for I will be drunk & full as fuck tommorow! Woo!Woo! Woo!

Just some updates here...

All in all, life is good. Im sitting here in my apartment by the beach, sipping hot coffee, kitty sprawled out & purring on my lap, sitting by my open back door, breeze flowing in. Its about 65 degrees today, the coldest its been in weeks- still really nice for January.School couldn't be going better. I adore my proffesor- I have her for both classes. Its been really nice having 3 days off now too. A couple days to let my hair down. As for work- same politics & bullshit. BUT I just got my W2 and I made over $30,000. Not bad for a 22 year old crumb, eh?Joes birthday is coming up- Feb. 7th. Were renting out the back party room of this swanky little thai restaurant, then going to Aromas, the cigar & martini bar with hot little cocktail waitresses. I did really well budgeting this month so after I get Joes birthday gift ( A $200 pot/pan kitchen set) I may treat myself to a sassy little Birthday frock ;)AND we cannot forget- ERYN IS COMING TO VISIT MEEEEEEEEEEEE!! YAY!Cousin, I cant wait... !

I am so ...

I am so proud of my domesticated dedication today. I set my alarm for 10am- we all know the early bird gets the worm, right?Well, this bird was up & out by 11. I got all my laundry washed & put away, ordered my Christmas ring from Hibernia (thanks Joe!), mailed the cousins gift, sent off my credit card bills, bought pretty love bird stamps, stopped at Starbucks for a Grande Soy Latte, spilled water all over my crotch, left a bitchy message for the Landlord, met my new neighbor, polished my nails & fed my kitty- And now eating a bite of lunch before work at 3pm, where I hopefully go make tons of rediculously easy money, get drunk to celebrate, maybe get some weiner- then get up and do it all over again!*phew!*

"Wonderwall" ...

"Wonderwall" by Brian Adams.Download it now. I wan't it playing in the background of my LIFE at all times.

Wow. Certaintly has been a while, eh? Well, Christmas was great- Santa treated me like a queen & my brother rocked my world. Have been homesick a bit since returning...Im currently dying of the flu, was vomiting endless stomach bile of death for about 12 hours the other night. Now, just dehydrated as a mofo & really weak. I got it from Joe who got it from Gallagher, who went to the hospital to get an IV. Not me- Im a non-insurance-ical type pirate citizen. I prefer sweaty, vomity home remedy. :) Kill Me!Rocked it at work New Years: $300. I was at work, sweaty & kissless when 2006 rolled around but the sweet stench of cash in my hand compensated well.School starts the 10th. Im absolutely scared shitless. But also looking forward to my now 3 days off.Some music I think every one needs in their Mp3 player immediatly: Jeff Buckley & Nouvelle Vague. God Im in love. Jeff Buckley is sex set to music.In other news : I am loving my boobs! Very happy with the decision. Its like Ive experienced puberty over night & I secretly smile to myself when I cant get comfortable sleeping on my stomach anymore.Im now going to lie on my couch & enjoy my (sort of)night off.XoxO

Wow. Certaintly has been a while, eh? Well, Christmas was great- Santa treated me like a queen & my brother rocked my world. Have been homesick a bit since returning...Im currently dying of the flu, was vomiting endless stomach bile of death for about 12 hours the other night. Now, just dehydrated as a mofo & really weak. I got it from Joe who got it from Gallagher, who went to the hospital to get an IV. Not me- Im a non-insurance-ical type pirate citizen. I prefer sweaty, vomity home remedy. :) Kill Me!Rocked it at work New Years: $300. I was at work, sweaty & kissless when 2006 rolled around but the sweet stench of cash in my hand compensated well.School starts the 10th. Im absolutely scared shitless. But also looking forward to my now 3 days off.Some music I think every one needs in their Mp3 player immediatly: Jeff Buckley & Nouvelle Vague. God Im in love. Jeff Buckley is sex set to music.In other news : I am loving my boobs! Very happy with the decision. Its like Ive experienced puberty over night & I secretly smile to myself when I cant get comfortable sleeping on my stomach anymore.Im now going to lie on my couch & enjoy my (sort of)night off.XoxO