So ...

So I have begun packing... just little things, the little things in my apartment that make it so *me*. Im really going to miss my little place.I feel like I must see this as mind over matter. Or rather mind over heart. I KNOW what is best for me, I know what I have to do, I have to take this opportunity and run with it. I've always been an overly emotional person-- not so much in the melt-down-my-world-is-caving-in-why-me type way. But rather every emotion I feel is put through the ringer in my mind. My insomnia is the direct result of not being able to shut those hamster wheels down. They just keep on turning!I have feelings for Seth & I wish I didn't. It's going to make this move a lot more difficult. He has been so good to me these past 3 months.. and I have been one tumultuous cluster fuck after another... and yet he cares so deeply. He feels like his life has grown so stagnant and he wants more. I guess deep down in my own self-centered way, I would love for him to move down south with me. We balance each other so well. His overly anal, meticulous, methodical thought process... and my willy nilly, absent minded, chipped finger nail polish, cluttered apartment eccentric artist self. That boy's gonna miss me. :)...and I him.*sigh*

Absolutel...

Absolutely unreal. Im leaving. Moving. To never return. Im in denial. And I can't stop fucking eating. It's like my gift to myself. This is a stressful time right?? *munch munch munch*It's disgusting the way I go to the grocery store- choosing what I want to devour. I choose a box of cereal and wonder to myself which will be best tasting still after the 4th bowl. I ate a whole fucking box yesterday. And a whole bag of chips & salsa. Then all today I cringe & grab at my thighs, how uncomfortable they feel rubbing & rubbing... And now its cold out and I cant fit into any of my jeans... even the ones I put away when I was so thin, the ones that hung off my ass like a saggy sack. Now they dont even button.Fuck me.

I...

I feel as though I am on the edge of a drop on a steep roller coaster... just waiting, holding my breath to feel my stomach up in my throat. I am alternating between feelings of complete and utter fright & total exhileration. A fresh start. A complete new slate. My life begins from scratch again.eep!

So I am l...

So I am leaving this city. Jacksonville has become an empty shell of a town, having nothing more to offer me by way of enrichment or opportunity. I have to leave before it swallows me whole.Im feeling a little bit like it's a total cop out- run, run, run as fast I can. Either way, 2 weeks from now I won't be here. I had my first feelings of remorse over having my boobs done. The sad thing is, I think it's only because I hold my surgery responsible for gaining this fucking weight. I feel like If I even so much as LOOK at a cookie I gain 5 lbs. I also can't deny that my eating habits before the surgery have completely fucked my metabolism. Lorraine gave me a picture from just before my surgery... Jessica & I both gasped when we saw it. Jessica, Ben and I sitting on the couch.. my hair is fucked up, My eyes are closed.. I think it was Labor Day. I had just left a BBQ. My arm is insanely thin. Like, sickly. My collar bones are jutting out, look like they want to pop through my skin. I have an Adams apple..And as shocked as I am by this sight... I miss it. How did I let myself get to this point??Why do I feel like my life would be perfect if only, Oh god IF ONLY, I could sleep for a month and wake up 105 lbs. again. But Im not foolish enough to believe that, I know how unhappy I was, how hungry I was, how tired I was. How SAD I was. I thought that if I could lose just those last deperate 2 pounds... Joe would notice. He would stop taking the rumble in my stomach as more than just a coincidence night after night. He would pull his head out of his self consumed ass & relaize that something was wrong with his girlfriend. How stupid of me. It never ended with just those last 2 lbs. Then it became 3... then 7...then 10. And then Kym became a bony fragment of what she once was.So I celebrated my defeat with a bottle of wine, an entire box of wheat thins, a whole wedge of brie cheese and a Reese's Penaut Butter cup Blizzard.... and that was just my dinner.This must stop. Im exhausted.

Hell...

Hello Livejournal. Long time no talk. No big news, just a few things...I am so boy crazy right now. Good god, I am a dog in heat! and for me it seems like when it rains, it pours. And right now, Im in a heavily precipitating area! And just in the nick of time, too-- this desert was beggining to dry out. lol.Theres Andy, the boy I approached (my new tactic) at Lynch's. Absolutly drop dead fucking gorgeous, but hardly has 2 brain cells in his whole gorgeous skull to rub together. My gay boys last night couldn't believe A) how gorgeous he was and B)What a moron he was. He showed up at Twisted Sister last night, knowing I would be there-- and I purposely didn't invite him b/c Im interested in the bartender there. Stalking isn't becoming. Then John. *le sigh* Oh, John... how babelicious are you? Let me count the ways...We met in the dorms freshman year of college. I had the biggest crush on him, but he had a dweeby but sweet little girlfriend. I am many things, but Im no Angelina Jolie! So we found each other on MySPace (yes, im addicted!) 3 years later and I hung out with him 2 nights ago. We had a sweet lil kiss. wonderful! I had no tab last night, my payment is a date with him, he informed me. :) I obliged.Brooke, the scruffy, cocky bartender at my favorite Monday night martini bar. We've been exchanging vibes for a while now, but I think every girl from Atlantic Beach to Ponte Vedra could say the same thing. lol. He gave me his number over a week ago, wants to go to Casa Marina some night together. I havn't called-- like Josh so cleverly put it "At least you wouldn't wonder if he's going to call the next day".Anyway... one of my neighbors is this Travis Barker wannabe- full sleeves, huge chest pieces. Scrawny, shirtless, black mohawk having little guy who lives with his equally punky little girlfriend. I noticed he has a confederate flag hanging out the window of his muscle car. Im not totally informed what a confederate flag symbolizes for people these days- but it still skeeves me out for what it was. Then today I notice a black cross nailed upside down on their front door. wtf?? Im so irritated by them for some reason!My cat ran away & I don't care. I know- Im a bad person. She kept shitting on my carpet & crying to go outside- which is odd because she's such a skeevy little sketchball. So I tossed her ass outside when I found a steamy fresh pile directly next to the pile I was about to clean up. So, she hasn;t come back. I think she may have known she was going to die & wanted to go outside to find a quiet place-- she was 14 years old and ready to keel over anyway.Other than that, life is good, Im taching myself how to cook Tofu- its so yummy.Off to work!

So, I...

So, I have been cheating so bad sice ending my cleanse. I am supposed to ease my way back into solid foods- first with OJ then with light veggie soup w/ lots of broth. Well, I ate a banana & tons of veggies yesterday and today another banana, almonds, yogurt and I just stuffed myself sick with soup. I puked. I dont know what my problem is- this is what prompted my decision to do the cleanse. I have such a fucked up food mindset. Toward the end of the night all I could think about was getting home to eat this soup. I raced home, showered quickly and was almost ANXIOUS feeling until I finally sat down and took my first bite.This is how I put on that weight in the past 2 months. FUCK. I ate 2 HUGE bowls of soup, the second topped with cheddar cheese, then ate probably another whole bowl while standing over the pot. Its almost like compulsive binging. My stomach is bloated now and I feel like I can't breathe. And I know exactly how this makes me feel in the morning... full, sluggish & dissapointed. I just refrained from eating a morsel for 7 days-- how can I not have better self control??:(

Update :)

Today was Day 8 and I decided to start on my OJ- which is what you comsume the day of breaking the cleanse. I dont know what it was- I took a 3 mile walk on the beach first thing this morning (with the intention of going to Day 10) and my body told me it was ready to be done with the cleanse. I am ready to get to the gym, eat lots of fresh veggies and join the real world again :) I had been so low on energy b/c of comsuming less than 600 calories a day, I was struggling some days to make it through work (Im a server at a very busy restaurant in Ponta Vedra).Would I do it again? Absolutely. I have never had so many compliments on my skin- it has totally smoothed my complection, the bags under my eyes are 1/2 the size. Also, my sleeping pattern has completely changed. I used to either toss & turn all night or sleep 12 hours. My body wakes up 7 hours on the dot- no joke. Ive been going to bed at about 2am every night and my eyes POP open at 9am. No grogginess, no rolling around for another 20 minutes. AWAKE.My house has never been cleaner! lol. I feel a better energy flow in my body- I know that sounds like such spiritual mumbo-jumbo, but it's great!I went shopping today and bought celery, tomatoes, onion, bananas, zucchini, bell peppers, squash, egg whites(a girls best friend), organic salsa, raw almonds, old fashioned oatmeal, broccoli, eggplant, Veggie Burgers, tofu & tofu crumbles. I am so ready for this :) Oh, and I bought a crock pot. I found tons of yummy, high protein recipes for the crock pot- which I think will be very convienant for cooking for 1 person.I've decided that instead of cutting back on my calories severly (how I got down to 108 lbs.)Im going to concentrate on being healthy. Lots of cardio, protein and fiber. Treat my body right. I may never fit into my size 0 Lucky Jeans ever again but I know I will be much happier & healthier for it. I have a nasty binging habit- which is how I put on 20 lbs.My plan: -NO fried foods. -Eliminate almost all red meats/poultry -Begin buying fresh fish, cooking enough to eat 2-4x per week over spinach salad -Snacks ideas for work: Fat-free yogurt w/ high fiber cereal and berries, handful of almonds, apples, can of tuna fish, raw broc/cauliflower with Fat Free ranch.. - Some source of cardio daily-- gym, ride bike, walk the beach -Drink 2 Liters of H2O daily and a cup of tea nightly. -Vitamins Daily -Listen to my stomach, no impulse shoveling into my face! -Cutting back on alcohol consumption. This is a big one. I am going to drink AT MOST 3 nights a week- having no more than a glass of wine after work and no more than 2 martinis on nights out. OK.. maybe 3 martinis :P. Love me a 'tini! -Also cutting back on coffee. Ouch. I LOVE Starbucks, but I honestly cant afford it- my wallet OR my ass.Yay for new begginings!