So I am l...

So I am leaving this city. Jacksonville has become an empty shell of a town, having nothing more to offer me by way of enrichment or opportunity. I have to leave before it swallows me whole.Im feeling a little bit like it's a total cop out- run, run, run as fast I can. Either way, 2 weeks from now I won't be here. I had my first feelings of remorse over having my boobs done. The sad thing is, I think it's only because I hold my surgery responsible for gaining this fucking weight. I feel like If I even so much as LOOK at a cookie I gain 5 lbs. I also can't deny that my eating habits before the surgery have completely fucked my metabolism. Lorraine gave me a picture from just before my surgery... Jessica & I both gasped when we saw it. Jessica, Ben and I sitting on the couch.. my hair is fucked up, My eyes are closed.. I think it was Labor Day. I had just left a BBQ. My arm is insanely thin. Like, sickly. My collar bones are jutting out, look like they want to pop through my skin. I have an Adams apple..And as shocked as I am by this sight... I miss it. How did I let myself get to this point??Why do I feel like my life would be perfect if only, Oh god IF ONLY, I could sleep for a month and wake up 105 lbs. again. But Im not foolish enough to believe that, I know how unhappy I was, how hungry I was, how tired I was. How SAD I was. I thought that if I could lose just those last deperate 2 pounds... Joe would notice. He would stop taking the rumble in my stomach as more than just a coincidence night after night. He would pull his head out of his self consumed ass & relaize that something was wrong with his girlfriend. How stupid of me. It never ended with just those last 2 lbs. Then it became 3... then 7...then 10. And then Kym became a bony fragment of what she once was.So I celebrated my defeat with a bottle of wine, an entire box of wheat thins, a whole wedge of brie cheese and a Reese's Penaut Butter cup Blizzard.... and that was just my dinner.This must stop. Im exhausted.